A moment of self-pity (personal, not education-related)

Posted on March 23, 2012


Apologies to anyone who reads this particular blog thinking it is about my classes. I need a moment. Many thoughts and issues are happening right now, and I don’t seem to be able to get out of the infinite loop. I thought maybe writing it out might help. I thought that maybe one of the two people who read it might have insight, and maybe even share it. I do promise to go back to teaching, though. Next time.

Here’s the deal:

I am from a large family. By “large”, I don’t mean “many”. I mean, at more than 200 pounds, I am one of the smallest…no, check that, THE smallest…female in my family. It never bothered me, except for when I found out that being small in my family doesn’t translate into the rest of the world. That was quite eye-opening, and not in a pleasant way.

It is they way I am. I can’t change genetics.

Over last summer, some stuff went down, then school started with the new, unassisted prep, and stress happened. At least, that is what I assumed was going on. I didn’t eat much. I didn’t feel like I could eat more than a little bit of any meal. It hasn’t gone away. In fact, it has gotten worse. I eat like I had gastric bypass surgery. But I didn’t.

My doctor is checking it out. All blood tests came back normal. Multiple ultrasounds have come back normal. An abdominal CT scan is scheduled for Tuesday morning.

Frustrating, in and of itself. It looks like a mental issue. But the new ones:
A. My clothes don’t fit. I feel like a slob.
B. People have been complimenting me left and right. Understandable, I guess, since I am down 25-35 pounds. But they don’t believe me when I tell them I’m not trying when they ask “what’s your secret?”.

I don’t want to tell them the whole story. From airing dirty laundry to none of their business to they aren’t going to listen anyway are why I don’t. But keeping it quiet has a new issue: I really feel like it is me against the world.

To be fair, my beautiful husband has been awesome, like a hot dog, through this whole thing. I can’t thank him enough.

To add to my personal annoyance is the previously-stated issues of “The Internet is supposed to open the door to a whole new group of people”. I haven’t seen them yet. I guess I annoy the Internet too. (Sorry, blatant self-pity snuck in there for a minute.)

Posted in: Peronal